What about what I want? (caution: whining ahead)
I can't wait for this day to be over... I really just dont want to be here. which is sometihng you hear from me a lot. why not get a new job, you say? well, truth be told, i cant make the kind of money i make here if i were to go any where else. as my husband pointed out to me today... along with an entire list of other facts as to why i shouldnt look for a new job.
so, i found an ad for a good job with the local cops. it was an entry level, and i was considering it. for years (i am talking since pre-teen here), i wanted to be a lawyer or a cop. either one, didn’t care. then I started into banking... and it just went fiscal from there (get it??? if you do accounting you might be chuckling a little right now, if not, forget it it was a stupid bean-counter joke). THEN I had my son. See, I started working full time when i was 16. I helped my Mom with rent, I bought my own clothes, vehicle, ins, gas, going out, etc. my Mom didn’t have the funds, so i took care of myself. it made me stronger, more responsible, etc. but it also put me in a rut. I wasnt able to really go to college. by the time i graduated HS, i was working two jobs, nearly fulltime each of them. So, no college. I kept thinking "next year". Next year came, and I found myself married and pregnant (which is another issue, as i was faithfully on the pill... but apparently VERY fertile). So, college was put off again as i found a better job, and had my son. He got older, I wanted to advance farther in accounting, so i took ONE class here and there. Oh, sure, sometimes I started the semester with 3 and high hopes/expectations of getting that elusive degree, but mother and wife duties came first, and generally it was all i could do to finish the one accounting class. And it was only because i knew what i was doing and flew thru them without studying much that I Aced them. Cut to now. No classes since the divorce, and I want something new. Don’t get me wrong, the atmosphere is ever changing, and elections (whoa doggie!!! I don’t really NEED to sleep for two months do I??), well, it keeps me busy. But after 13 years of counting numbers, I don’t like it anymore. Sure, I am good at it, shoot, even great. So cutting back to the cops and robbers lawyers… Early on, I knew I would never do the lawyer thing. First off, I am too naïve. Really, I am. Oh, and too trusting. Those two qualities I do like about myself, and I didn’t want to change that… so I decided that I would pass.
After Junior was old enough I was gonna do the academy, but then I found myself single. Being single isn’t conducive to many hours training and studying. I didn’t want to do that to Junior, so I passed again. As it happens, I married someone in that field. You would think, he would be supportive, hell, even encouraging, wouldn’t you?!! Nope. And not because “he doesn’t want me to get hurt”, but because, he doesn’t want to pick up the slack. God forbid I get a shift that might require him to watch Junior when I am not there?!? He’s good with Junior, but apparently, not what he wants to do. Then he brings up, well, why do it if we are gonna have a baby in the next few years. Oh, yea, well, shit, you are so right!!! Let me just put my entire life on hold so I can have a baby. I know I want it, yes, I do. But I am feeling resentful at always changing my life to fit. Why does it have to be me?
Same thing with the classes. Sure, he has said he would watch him, but will we get a month into it, and he be frustrated already? I will start skipping classes to pacify them, and before I know it, I am WD the class.
I feel like I always cave and give up my wants and needs for those around me… my friends, family, work. But, really, what about me?
